Why I Failed as a Foster Parent

After we were diagnosed with infertility, my husband and I decided to become foster parents with the plan to adopt. 

I kept reading about people fostering to adopt and seeing people on social media discuss fostering to adopt, so thought it would be a great way for us to grow our family. 

However, it did not work out for us as we had hoped (and be told) that it would. 

We definitely failed as foster parents in the end {not during…we were amazing parents to those kids}. 

After taking a sibling placement that ended up moving back after a year, we decided to close our home.

I know that the goal of foster care is reunification…

But in our foster parent classes, I felt like they kind of hid that from us. They talked about adopting from foster care like it was the norm. 

I remember when the social worker did our home study, we flat out asked her if it would be possible to adopt a baby or toddler from foster care. She was like, of course. 

And they even had an entire evening with their adoption specialist where we could ask questions and get more information.

When we got the call to foster a sibling set, and the social worker said that the family wasn’t following their plan and it looks like it’s going toward adoption. We said yes right away. 

They were with us about a year, and though all the developmental and behavioral challenges, the kids were amazing. The foster care system was not.

First of all, the kids were assigned a horrible social worker. 

She would never update us. 

She would go get the kids from daycare and not tell us. So when we went to pick them up after work, they would just not be there. 

It was insane and super stressful. And the kids never knew what was happening, so that did not help their behaviors.

Our guardian ad litem was horrible. 

I would call or ask her to come see the kids behaviors after parental visits, and she would never answer or be able to come. 

I would send pictures of concerns, videos, and nothing. 

It was like she didn’t have time for it (well then she shouldn’t have volunteered!).

About a year after living with us and thriving, we got a call that they would probably be going back home. 

This would happen at the next court date (which was less than a month away!). 

I by no means wanted to keep these kids from their mom or dad. That is not what I am saying. It was just not what we expected or what we had been told from the beginning.

{Also…I am not writing this to say children in foster care should not be reunited. They should be if that is what is best for them and their family. I am writing from our perspective about how this situation is not what we expected.}

From talking to families and social workers in other states, I have found that the foster system and their processes greatly vary depending on where you live. 

In our state, the push for reunification is very high, but when I talk to families and social workers in other states, they say it is the opposite.

Even where we live, the counties close to each other seem to be completely different. 

As our children started to get more visits with family, even though the family’s situation was actually getting worse, I remember one of our workers saying, “This would never be allowed in the judge from ** county.” 

This shows just how inconsistent the system is even within the same state.

I definitely see our family opening our home again

Looking back, I wouldn’t have done anything differently and I am thankful for the time we were foster parents. 

We love the children that were placed with us and would not change that experience for anything. 

But, I think I would have gone into it differently had I been more aware of the reality of everything.