Letter to our Friends and Family about ICPC

Our daughter was born in Florida, so we had to cross state lines for her adoption. Therefore, even after we picked her up at the hospital, we had to stay in Florida until our paperwork cleared both states through their ICPC offices. During that time we heard… When are you coming home? Have you heard anything? Did you hear anything today? You need to call someone. They aren’t doing their job. We’e coming down there. And repeat everyday for THREE WEEKS!

What is ICPC? I don’t completely understand it myself, but I know that it has something to do with the states having the appropriate paperwork in order before we can cross state lines. Here you can find the state pages for ICPC or read more on this website too. Before we started looking into adoption, I had never heard of this and had no idea what it stood for. So of course our friends and family had no idea either and I wish I would have explained it better to them before we left to avoid the thousands of suggestions and questions while we were waiting to come home after picking up our daughter from the hospital. After we got the call, drove to get Baby B, and were back with her in our hotel (on day one), our friends and family immediately started asking us when we were coming home. I know everyone was excited jand wanted to meet her, but some of the constant and repetitive questions were exhausting. And we were already exhausted and sleep deprived!

What I was thinking in my head at the time…

Letter to our Friends and Family, Please don’t ask every day when we are coming home. We will tell everyone right away when we know. Please don’t ask every day have we heard anything. Again, when we know, you will know. Please don’t say every day that you are going to drive down to stay with us. We miss you too, but you have not been invited and we are staying in a studio apartment. Also, we are trying to figure things out as a new family of three and enjoy this time together. Please don’t tell us call our agency or ICPC everyday. That will not help as the wait is part of the process. This will probably just make someone mad and could possibly extend our wait. Please don’t complain about how horrible or agency is for making us wait (or threaten to call someone yourself). ICPC is a government process and the agency cannot speed things up.

Okay…so I wouldn’t really say those things to anyone.

And I definitively wouldn’t send a letter like that. Of course we love our families and they have been supportive throughout everything, The above “letter” is just a reflection of how I felt in the moment. Also, I want to add…If you want your family to come visit, that’s okay. If you want to call your agency and complain, you can do that too. You have to do what works for you. You know your family, agency, lawyer, and whoever you are working with better than anyone. Do what works for you and don’t worry about what anyone else thinks, does, or tells you to do. Looking back, I just wish I had explained the process better to everyone before we left. I had explained it to my mom before we left, and she had read some articles about ICPC that I had sent them. Since she knew more about everything, she was completely understanding and supporting of the process. Although she didn’t believe me at first when I said we would be gone for three weeks, my mom waited patiently even though I know it was hard for her too. I think a lot this is that many people don’t know or understand what’s involved in adoption. This was new to us and everyone else, so the more we can share about the process, the better! I gathered my thoughts in a nicer way in the letter below. If we adopt again, I may actually share this with everyone who is waiting with us. I understand it’s hard for them too, but during the wait, the adoptive family needs as much support and little stress as possible. The whole process is hard. I think by educating our family and friends, maybe they can relieve some of the stress while continuing their support.